[ Whether Makoto wants Howl's empathy or not, he gets it all the same. The wizard is taking this seriously; it is not a joke to him, or a game, or a thing to be jealous over. Nor is he particularly surprised to get this reaction from M, either. He is a demon, and while Howl knows M isn't the same as the demons he's familiar with, he can't help but treat him with the same sympathy.
So he sighs and takes a moment to think. A part of him wants to help if he can, especially if it might entice M to tell him more. But is there anything he can do for M? They have no idea what they're dealing with here. That thought sends another pang of frustration and anxiety through their connection. ]
I see.
[ As much as Howl hates to admit it, the Regent might be the best person to go to for help with this, but Howl certainly wouldn't ever do that if he were in M's shoes, and he would not tell the demon take that risk either. ]
( it's difficult for makoto to trust anyone's empathy. that required, after all, a certain amount of understanding of the one they were attempting to empathize with, did it not? they shared circumstances as Aions aligned with the Kenoma, but how many layers of his typical veneer does one peer past before they start to become averse to what they find? some might be hasty to write it off that he's simply a demon, and that's only what one can expect, but he knows the truth — there's nothing in him now that hadn't already existed within him before J had taken him into hell. hell had just provided the fertile soil for those seeds to grow.
still, he gets the sense from howl that this isn't some entertainment to him. he isn't regarding his affliction as something either pathetic or well-deserved (or both). for his restraint, makoto is grateful.
he is right, though. there's not much to be done. though he's experienced the mechanics of what he assumes is the curse that thing put on him, he doesn't understand the greater picture of it yet. )
I appreciate the intent, but there's no need. I doubt it's something I can keep secret. Not for long, at least.
( both because of how the events of that evening were already being spread and the nature of the affliction itself. )
[ ...Maybe M is right, but Howl feels compelled to push back on such defeatist thinking. Brainwashed as he is into remembering what happened to him as a necessary evil (at worst), his experiences have convinced him that actions can carry consequences in this world, and he has no idea what consequences may be in store for M if the Regent finds out his Shard is infected by none other than the Pleroma itself.
He sighs. ]
If I were you, I'd still endeavor to keep it to myself. If there's no need for others to know, then there's no reason to tell.
[ But surely, the opportunistic demon who bested Estinien is crafty enough to navigate that truth...? Unless. ]
...Unless you have reason to believe it will make itself known?
( oh, well, if this is about keeping all of this a secret from the Regent, then that's a bygone conclusion. even if it were his intention to keep it from their enigmatic master, he doubts he's even capable of such a thing. this is the entity that seems to read their pasts like open books, after all — surely word has already gotten to them. at this point, makoto feels it's inevitable that he will be brought forward to speak with them; he can only hope that it's a constructive conversation and not a destructive one. )
They all have the ability to pick apart the events and draw conclusions for themselves. That, and purposefully keeping mum will make it all the more obvious I have something to hide.
[ But you do have something to hide, Howl thinks to himself with a twinge of frustration. Who cares? What's the harm in others simply knowing you have a secret? Let them speculate. It's the secret getting out that Howl is more concerned about. Then it becomes leverage.
Even so, if M isn't worried about the truth getting out there, it's easy for Howl to ask the most obvious follow-up question. ]
( oh, it's not that he isn't worried. he doesn't want others to know about this affliction of his any more than he wants it to rule his mind and his actions, but as far as he's concerned, it would be essentially impossible to keep hidden indefinitely.
for what it's worth, there's an obvious tugging sensation of hesitation — the reticence of a demon far too used to keeping everything close to the chest — but he does end up explaining. )
I can sense the pain of others around me, and it compels me to move closer to them. Once I've done that, it - activates something within me, and it begins to sap my strength in order to heal the injured individual.
[ ...Oh. Hm. That's...... Howl isn't sure what to think about that. An Ingarian wizard would call that a "curse," without a doubt, and a powerful one at that if it induces specific actions in the victim. But... at the same time, he can't help but feel like that wrathful, "benevolent" being could have cursed him with worse. Much worse.
Howl needs a few seconds to think about this before deciding on something to say. ]
...alright, yes. That is going to be impossible to hide for long.
[ If only he'd asked earlier. In any event, he gets it now, and yes, it's bad.
Howl sighs. ]
Does it hurt? How often has this happened already?
( he gets the sneaking suspicion that "curse" is accurate enough. it seems a fair enough assumption that he had earned that creature's ire.
and, yes, it could have been far worse. but this is makoto we're talking about. something like this, which would steal from him the sanctity of his agency and force him to use his vital energy to heal others, which might later detract from his ability to harm others... it's a particularly nasty curse to bear.
he doesn't insult howl by saying something snide. there is only a soft feeling of affirmation. )
...No, not exactly. I do get an empathetic understanding of their pain, but it's not like I'm feeling it myself. It's more like... an echo. A phantom pain. ( which he is grateful for. otherwise, when he'd woken up in the hospital, he likely would have been immediately and completely overwhelmed. ) Once. Since then, my being aware of it has allowed me to try to be where others aren't, but it's not a tactic that will last for long.
[ Howl feels for him; it's hard not to think back on his own experience of being cursed, realizing how truly stuck with the curse he was going to be for the rest of his life, and then having to learn to live with that curse thereafter... The context of his sympathy does not phase through, but the sympathy itself does, more pointed and explicit than it was before. Even as Howl knows it's likely to offend the other demon, he does not hold it back. ]
Wizards cast curses. We don't break them.
But if there's anything I may be able to do to ease your frustrations and suffering, I can try. You only need to ask.
( he's done what he can to suspend feelings of helplessness or despair. he still doesn't truly understand what this is; though he can assume by its nature that it is a curse or something similar to it, he won't believe that there's nothing to be done about it until he's told so by a trusted source.
and given the fact that he can count the number of people he trusts on one (or zero) hands, he might still be doggedly searching for a way to rid himself of it for as long as he draws breath.
he is less averse to the sensation of this sympathy because... it at least feels as though it comes from a place of understanding rather than a place of assumption or pedantic pity. he accepts it, albeit ungraciously. )
I appreciate your offer, Howl.
If I can think of anything to ask of you and your manifold talents, I will not hesitate to do so.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
that's fine!
So he sighs and takes a moment to think. A part of him wants to help if he can, especially if it might entice M to tell him more. But is there anything he can do for M? They have no idea what they're dealing with here. That thought sends another pang of frustration and anxiety through their connection. ]
I see.
[ As much as Howl hates to admit it, the Regent might be the best person to go to for help with this, but Howl certainly wouldn't ever do that if he were in M's shoes, and he would not tell the demon take that risk either. ]
I won't tell anyone.
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still, he gets the sense from howl that this isn't some entertainment to him. he isn't regarding his affliction as something either pathetic or well-deserved (or both). for his restraint, makoto is grateful.
he is right, though. there's not much to be done. though he's experienced the mechanics of what he assumes is the curse that thing put on him, he doesn't understand the greater picture of it yet. )
I appreciate the intent, but there's no need. I doubt it's something I can keep secret. Not for long, at least.
( both because of how the events of that evening were already being spread and the nature of the affliction itself. )
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He sighs. ]
If I were you, I'd still endeavor to keep it to myself. If there's no need for others to know, then there's no reason to tell.
[ But surely, the opportunistic demon who bested Estinien is crafty enough to navigate that truth...? Unless. ]
...Unless you have reason to believe it will make itself known?
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They all have the ability to pick apart the events and draw conclusions for themselves. That, and purposefully keeping mum will make it all the more obvious I have something to hide.
I do. I already know what it does.
( or one of the things it does, at least... )
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Even so, if M isn't worried about the truth getting out there, it's easy for Howl to ask the most obvious follow-up question. ]
...And what is it that it does?
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for what it's worth, there's an obvious tugging sensation of hesitation — the reticence of a demon far too used to keeping everything close to the chest — but he does end up explaining. )
I can sense the pain of others around me, and it compels me to move closer to them. Once I've done that, it - activates something within me, and it begins to sap my strength in order to heal the injured individual.
I can resist it, but it's not... easy.
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Howl needs a few seconds to think about this before deciding on something to say. ]
...alright, yes. That is going to be impossible to hide for long.
[ If only he'd asked earlier. In any event, he gets it now, and yes, it's bad.
Howl sighs. ]
Does it hurt? How often has this happened already?
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and, yes, it could have been far worse. but this is makoto we're talking about. something like this, which would steal from him the sanctity of his agency and force him to use his vital energy to heal others, which might later detract from his ability to harm others... it's a particularly nasty curse to bear.
he doesn't insult howl by saying something snide. there is only a soft feeling of affirmation. )
...No, not exactly. I do get an empathetic understanding of their pain, but it's not like I'm feeling it myself. It's more like... an echo. A phantom pain. ( which he is grateful for. otherwise, when he'd woken up in the hospital, he likely would have been immediately and completely overwhelmed. ) Once. Since then, my being aware of it has allowed me to try to be where others aren't, but it's not a tactic that will last for long.
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Wizards cast curses. We don't break them.
But if there's anything I may be able to do to ease your frustrations and suffering, I can try. You only need to ask.
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and given the fact that he can count the number of people he trusts on one (or zero) hands, he might still be doggedly searching for a way to rid himself of it for as long as he draws breath.
he is less averse to the sensation of this sympathy because... it at least feels as though it comes from a place of understanding rather than a place of assumption or pedantic pity. he accepts it, albeit ungraciously. )
I appreciate your offer, Howl.
If I can think of anything to ask of you and your manifold talents, I will not hesitate to do so.
no subject
[ There's a vague notion of agreement, followed by a pause, before Howl's mind recedes and returns to the public discussion. ]